I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
