I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
