my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
