Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
