last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
