bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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