Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
