We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
