I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
