Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
