I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
