I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
