A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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