My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
