I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
