dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
