I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
