So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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