I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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