i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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