I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
