he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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