my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wish my penis had a tongue
two words: eviction party
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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