Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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