So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
