So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
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I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
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She's not a foreskin expert like you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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