Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
