I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
