someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
