he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think pants incapable of making pants work
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
