If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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