Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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