I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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