Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
