who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
