I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
