Only a mothe r could love this liver
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
