At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
