Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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