So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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