Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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