Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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