I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
