i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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