shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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