We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
