as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
