you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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