Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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