i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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