Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
