Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
