I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
