i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
why does every cop we meet know your name?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
