Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
