i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Randomize
