On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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