There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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