We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
